Immigration – A Better Argument For Democrats

It was a bright sunny day in beautiful Denver, Colorado, when Jaundice James’ girlfriend (let’s call her Chartreuse) was driving through downtown, minding her own business. (Now, Chartreuse is one of those chicks you’d say has the “whole package.” She’s smokin’ hot, smart, clever, quick-witted, with a touch of attitude. She reminds me a lot of that Cake song Short Skirt, Long Jacket. She’s also nowhere near as jaded, bitter and cynical as Jaundice James. She’s endlessly kind, always compassionate – the kind of person who’d witness an armed liquor store robbery and wonder if the robber had gotten laid off from his job and had hungry kids at home. She’s the kind of person who’d use one of those “humane” mouse traps to capture a mouse in our home, then drive for miles to release it in a flowery meadow. I say this to illustrate that there’s no conceivable way, in a million years, that she could have possibly deserved what happened next.) POW! A truck ran a light at considerable speed, hitting her squarely, and driving her up onto the sidewalk and into some newspaper machines. She came to her senses in a cloud of powder from the airbag, opened the driver’s door and tumbled out onto the pavement. She was bleeding. The witnesses that ran to her aid said the driver of the truck, “a hispanic man”, got out and… (and here’s the part that’ll keep you up at night) The fucker ran. He just RAN. It was like an episode of COPS, all you could see was his elbows and the the soles of his feet as he took off down the street. One of Denver’s fine citizens pursued him for a while, but it was too late. The element of surprise had given the man a head start and he was determined to get away. Chartreuse was rushed to the hospital for treatment of some moderate injuries. Her car was totaled.

The truck that hit her was a work truck for a construction business. It had a business name, address and phone number on the side. After the investigating officer (the accident, now, having become a crime) took a statement from Chartreuse at the hospital, he then went went to talk to the truck driver’s employer. That conversation went something like this:

COP: Hello, ma’am. Are you the owner of such-and-such vehicle?

EMPLOYER: Yes.

COP: Can you tell me who was driving it this afternoon?

EMPLOYER: Um… Why?

COP: Well, there was an accident. The driver ran a light, striking another vehicle and injuring a woman.

EMPLOYER: Um… That truck was stolen today.

COP: Did you report it as stolen?

EMPLOYER: I’m reporting it now.

COP: You didn’t call the police when you found out it was stolen?

EMPLOYER: I told you… you’re the police. I’m telling you now.

COP: Ma’am, do you employ illegal immigrants?

EMPLOYER: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

I’m not saying this accident happened because the truck driver was an illegal immigrant, but it certainly exasperated the situation. The man fled the scene, probably fearing that he would be deported if he had stayed. His employer refused to take responsibility, probably fearing she’d get busted for hiring illegals on top of having her insurance rates rise after covering the cost of the accident. The employer couldn’t be sued because we couldn’t prove the man was employed there – there were no documents linking him to the business in any way. Though her own insurance covered her hospital visit and the blue-book value of her car, Chartreuse was left with many expenses. The employer got off scot-free and the driver of the truck was never found.

The point of this story is that it illustrates what I feel is the biggest problem with illegal immigration. The key word in the phrase “undocumented illegal immigrant” is “undocumented.” We have millions of people in this country who, because of their situation, are operating outside of the system in which the rest of us function as a society. No identification. No insurance. No legal employment, mailing address, bank account, credit cards, tax filing, social security number… nothing. They are, in essence, off the radar. They operate on an entirely different plane of existence from the rest of us. We need to change that. All other arguments aside, we’re all going to be better off if they become legal citizens.

A reasonable argument is made that, because of the crime and violence associated with it, the “War on Drugs” does more harm than good, and that, if we legalize drugs, we can set some regulations and gain some control.

A reasonable argument is made that abortion should remain legal and safe because, when it is outlawed, abortions are carried out anyway, under dangerous circumstances in back-alley chop shops or on kitchen tables by the unqualified with crude tools, thereby placing women’s health – perhaps lives – at risk.

The same can be applied to illegal immigration. We should make it quick and easy to become a legal US citizen along with all the legal documents and responsibilities that go with it, because not doing so is so damned dangerous to everyone involved.

The “debate” over illegal immigration, while I’m happy that the citizens of this country are participating in the conversation, has quickly descended into a brawl. Nearly everyone agrees it’s a problem – we just differ in our relative levels of sympathy for the immigrants and the businesses who employ them. The Republicans have a P.R. problem because they began the debate with talk of mass-deportation and building a fence. Democrats, appropriately, play a more sympathetic role, but this forces them to take a side on an issue that makes them appear like they don’t think there even IS a problem. It’s a losing position and a big problem for them politically.

But there’s hope. The Democrats have always been the party of opportunity for the underdog and now would be the the time to play that role. The solution to this problem should begin with opportunity. We should begin by easing the legal immigration process, and offer all illegal immigrants the chance to become US citizens, easily, without fines or penalty and with much less bureaucracy and red tape. They will be given a social security number. Insured drivers be allowed to apply for driver’s licenses or they will be issued photo IDs. Their children will be enrolled in public school. They will be allowed proper employment along with the same minimum wage (come what may – I don’t buy the expense-passed-along-to-the-consumer bullshit anyway) that all US citizens are entitled to. This should be a system that will remain in place for all future people who would like to immigrate to the US as well. In this way, they will enter our society properly, be held to the same standards and made to follow the same laws as the rest of our citizens as well as reap all the benefits a full citizenship entails.

THEN, we should secure our borders and deport everyone who refuses the opportunity they’ve been given.