A tale about a movie lover and an evil cable TV company

When I was 11 years old, my three friends, who lived next door and I, were dropped off at the movie theatre by their mom. “Be good!”, she screamed at the top of her lungs out the window as she drove away.

Oh, how she loved to scream at her kids – or at any of the neighborhood kids for that matter – but her kids, at least, mostly deserved it.

“I talked to the theatre manager and if you don’t behave, he’s going to call me and tell me and if you’re not good in there, ya’all‘re gunna be in DEEP SHIT when you get home!”

Then she added, “You too, Jim, I’ll tell your dad! He’ll whoop your ass. I know he will!” she screamed.

Ahhh, parenting in the 80’s. Parents had such finely tuned parenting skills when we were kids, didn’t they?

As if we’d actually be good. As if. I mean, really. Two 11 year olds, a 9 year old and a 7 year old who did whatever we told him to do.

We were there to see Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid(Rated PG), but as soon as the movie started we snuck across the hall to see Conan the Barbarian(Rated R) because we’d heard that it was a WAY cooler movie and had a scene where Conan had sex with a naked witch!

Of course, we were smart and figured our parents would want to know if we enjoyed the movie we were sent there to see, and what it was about, and all of that, so we, periodically, snuck BACK across the hall to watch a bit of Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid.

And then we’d sneak back.

Well, long story short, we got caught, and the theatre manager kept a close eye on us and did, in fact, tell the neighbor kids’ mom. We all got in trouble. They all got their asses beat, big time and my dad put me to work in the yard as he was fond to do.

We never did get to see that scene where Conan the Barbarian had sex with a naked witch.

Imagine the disappointment! We went through all that trouble, got caught, got punished and never DID get to see the naked witch scene!

Rats!

Less than a year later, word was out that Conan the Barbarian was going to be on HBO! Us kids formulated a plan. I was at my neighbor’s house. We were supposed to be watching something ELSE in that family room that the parents weren’t monitoring, but dammit if Conan the Barbarian didn’t accidently come on the TV!

And just as Conan was about to do something none of us kids quite understood to a woman that was supposed to get naked and turn into a witch… WE GOT CAUGHT AGAIN!

The channel was changed and we ended up watching something wholesome I don’t even remember.

I didn’t get to see that naked witch scene until I was 15 years old, which wasn’t nearly as exciting as if I’d seen it when I was 11.

The moral of this story?

It’s 2008 and you couldn’t watch Conan the Barbarian on cable if you wanted to unless you paid them at least $2.99 to rent it on top of what you’re already paying for cable on a monthly basis.

It used to be that, if you missed a movie at the theatre, if you were a cable subscriber, you could count on seeing it on cable a year or so later.

What happened to those days?

Now we pay comparatively more per month for cable than we did back then, but our cable company doesn’t give us those new movies – well, not for our monthly price at least. Now, Comcast gives us “On Demand” which does give us access to recently released movies, but we have to “rent” them at a price at nearly what a movie theatre ticket costs.

But aren’t we already we paying our cable company a monthly rate? And, with that, they’re giving us the opportunity to rent new movies at $2.99-$7.99 each?

Wait a minute! I already pay for cable! Back in the 80s I used to pay for cable and get to see movies after they left the theatre. But now…

I’m still paying a monthly rate for cable but…

Hey! I’m paying for the privlidge to rent movies for $2.99-$7.99 (or more for “adult” movies) over and above what I’m already paying for cable each month?

Yep!

And we’re lapping it up.

Halloween recently passed and that’s when I really noticed. I’ve always looked forward to spending a week of watching free (included in my monthly rate) horror movies as much as I liked. I found this year surprisingly sparse.  The free “Fearnet” area on Comcast OnDemand contained all of 24 free horror movies. The pay section? 90 horror movies priced from $2.99-$4.99. Not cool!

So I checked the non-horror selection to see how that related: Free movies on OnDemand: 96 The pay movies on OnDemand: 300.

The details are depressing: A free movie is Caveman from 1981 but a pay movie is Aliens from 1986 for $2.99. A free movie is Child’s Play from 1988, but a pay movie is Beetlejuice from 1988 for $2.99.

The really bad movies are free. The good movies, no matter how old, cost extra.

So, how did this change happen?

Well, it happened gradually. The cable companies are brilliant – BRILLIANT – at marketing, and they slowly changed their programming so you’re just happy to be able to watch network TV without an antenna and feel privileged to be able to rent movies with a touch of your remote from the comfort of our sofa.

(It’s a perfect example of stealth inflation. [Read something I wrote touching on stealth inflation here.])

So, what do we do about it? Ha! Nothing. It’s too late. You’re stuck renting movies, using Netflix, or sucking it up and paying what your cable company asks you to.