12 Sarcastic Predictions for 2012
January 1, 2012
- The obesity epidemic ends - On January first, 132 million Americans made New Year’s resolutions to lose weight, and this year they’ll be keeping them. Grocery stores will sell out of fruits and vegetables, Health Clubs will begin hiring bouncers, and your Weight Watchers meetings will look like a Black Keys concert with general admission seating. Ben & Jerry are discovered in an apparent murder/suicide.
- Cable news short circuits – One day this year Pat Robertson will get caught having sex with Bruce Jenner in the back of Rick Perry’s campaign bus and TV cable boxes will catch fire in living rooms all across the nation. The FCC will have to declare cable news a fire hazard, require networks to cover more than one story per day and mandate that news actually be news.
- Fox News changes its business plan – Convinced their viewers will buy anything, Fox News morphs into a home shopping network. “Fox News” soon becomes shorthand for a diet drug and penis enlargement empire. “It was right under our noses all along”, declares Bill Ayers “These people can be convinced of anything!”
- Republicans are finished – Between opposing the payroll tax cut and nearly shutting down the government to protect tax breaks for private jets, the American people have had it. Republicans will never win another election. No longer will people vote against their own best interests just because Republicans mention “God” more often or because gay people give them the willies.
- The 1% give up – The 1% begin regretting the day they were born. They’re sorry they ever messed with us and promise to trim their stock portfolios and, instead, start giving Christmas bonuses again. They decide to just go enjoy their riches and sail their yachts out into international waters where they stay out of politics entirely.
- Obama loses his temper – Tired of not being able to have a bowel movement without Republican obstruction, President Obama finally loses his shit, ending his State of the Union Address with ”Ya’all can go suck it!”, and kicking over the podium while giving the finger. He installs Bernie Sanders as Attorney General with a recess appointment.
- Health insurers take up murder for hire – Health insurance companies discover that it’s cost effective to put contracts on the heads of people with pre-existing conditions. Bodies begin washing up on beaches, their pockets still full of statin drugs and asthma medication.
- The NRA will give up the act – In 2008 they said Obama would come and take your guns away, spurring the largest gun-buying spree in American history, but failing to prevent him from being elected. Now, after a half-hearted attempt at a “if-he-gets-re-elected-this-time-he-really-will-take-’em” campaign, they finally give up the ghost. “Oh, fuck it” Wayne LaPierre will be heard saying, “We never really gave a shit about gun rights – we were just a fund-raising scam for the Republicans all along. Oh, well, you got us. I guess we’ll have to go back to teaching gun safety and marksmanship like we did in the olden days.”
- There will be a marketing revolution – Some marketing genius will discover that it’s better to research what consumers want and give them that than it is to invent shit and convince people they need it. Cell phones will soon work if they’re dropped or gotten wet, and fast food restaurants will stop selling money orders and taking passport photos to move the lines along faster.
- Movie concessions will evolve even further – As ticket sales continue to fall, concession stands at movie theatres will begin to have such offerings as fresh lobster, sushi or sizzling fajitas served at your seat. Loan officers will be available at the customer service desk.
- Postal employees learn empathy – Faced with the prospect of losing their jobs without political support from the public, postal employees start pretending to care how long their lines are, sometimes even appearing to have a sense of urgency, or moving their bodies faster in attempt to gain public sympathy.
- America gets a raise - Rather than opening new operations in China, purchasing robots or enriching stockholders, American companies will use some of the cash they’ve been hording to provide value and give raises to the American consumers and employees who made them successful in the first place.
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